People Are Ghosting Long-Term Partners. Some Don’t Regret It

人们开始“玩消失”来结束长期关系，且有人毫无悔意

Dean met Nicole on Bumble in 2018, and they immediately bonded over their shared Chicago upbringing. Nicole had kids, and they talked often about “wanting more than what we saw growing up in the environment we did,” Dean, a 37-year-old independent contractor, tells WIRED. They also both considered themselves more spiritual than religious, and were mentally, emotionally, and physically compatible. Best of all, “we rarely had a fight,” he says, “and could talk about any- and everything.”

2018年，Dean在Bumble上结识了Nicole，两人因共同的芝加哥成长背景迅速产生共鸣。37岁的独立承包商Dean告诉《连线》（WIRED）杂志，Nicole有孩子，他们经常谈论“想要追求比我们成长环境中所见更好的生活”。他们都认为自己更倾向于精神层面而非宗教信仰，在心理、情感和身体上也十分契合。最棒的是，他说：“我们几乎从不吵架，什么都能聊。”

They eventually moved in together and even talked about getting married, though he says the idea was one-sided. “She wanted to. I secretly didn’t.”

他们最终同居，甚至谈到了结婚，但他表示这只是单方面的想法。“她想结婚，但我私下里并不想。”

In 2022, four years into the relationship, Dean says “she allowed her mind to be polluted” by “gender wars” discourse. As he saw it, she became one of those people who “attach themselves to feminism” and complained about men all the time. Even though Dean claims he is progressive, he says, “it wasn’t my thing” because Nicole had become overly negative.

2022年，在交往四年后，Dean称Nicole“让自己的思想被‘性别战争’的言论污染了”。在他看来，她成了那种“沉迷于女权主义”并整天抱怨男人的人。尽管Dean自称是进步派，但他表示“这不适合我”，因为Nicole变得过于消极。

It was around then that he started to get the ick. His mind was made up: Instead of talking to her about his frustrations, he blocked her phone number and social media accounts, one afternoon while she was at work.

就在那时，他开始对她产生反感。他下定决心：与其和她沟通自己的不满，不如直接切断联系。一天下午，趁她在上班时，他拉黑了她的电话号码和社交媒体账号。

In the months that followed, as Nicole attempted to get in contact with him through family members, Dean didn’t feel an ounce of remorse, only relief. “Like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I no longer had to bear her energy.” (Citing privacy concerns, the ghosters WIRED spoke to for this story asked that they be identified by their first name only.)

在接下来的几个月里，尽管Nicole试图通过家人联系他，但Dean没有感到一丝愧疚，反而感到如释重负。“就像卸下了肩上的重担。我再也不用承受她的负面能量了。”（出于隐私考虑，本文中接受《连线》采访的“玩消失者”均要求仅使用名字。）

Even now, he says he “absolutely” made the right decision.

即便现在，他仍表示自己“绝对”做出了正确的决定。

With dating apps and social media determining so much of how people connect, ghosting—ending a relationship by ignoring or blocking the other person’s calls and texts, effectively icing them out—has become the breakup mode du jour.

随着约会软件和社交媒体在很大程度上决定了人们的社交方式，“玩消失”（Ghosting）——即通过无视或拉黑对方的电话和短信来结束一段关系，实际上是将对方冷处理——已成为当下的流行分手方式。

According to a Thriving Center of Psychology survey, 84 percent of millennials and Gen Z say they’ve been ghosted at the end of a relationship. But while ghosting is widely accepted among singles during the initial stages of getting to know someone via the apps or as a means to end a situationship, it’s far less typical for multiyear relationships.

根据Thriving Center of Psychology的一项调查，84%的千禧一代和Z世代表示，他们在结束一段关系时曾被对方“玩消失”。虽然在通过软件初步了解阶段，或者作为结束“暧昧关系”（situationship）的手段，这种做法在单身群体中被广泛接受，但在维持多年的关系中，这并不常见。

In late June, Vogue UK shed light on the trend of “the disappearing boyfriend.” The article detailed the painful aftermath of women grappling with their partner’s sudden and shocking disappearance, noting how “many of these ghostings occur after things were seemingly going well.”

6月底，《Vogue》英国版报道了“消失的男友”这一趋势。文章详细描述了女性在面对伴侣突然且令人震惊的消失后所经历的痛苦，并指出“许多此类消失事件都发生在双方关系看似进展顺利的时候”。

To address this new normal, Dating.com recently announced that it was hiring a “chief breakup officer” who, for $3,000 a month, would be tasked with ending other people’s relationships for them.

为了应对这种新常态，Dating.com最近宣布招聘一名“首席分手官”，月薪3000美元，其职责是代人结束关系。

Naturally, ghosting is a lot easier when you’re communicating with strangers or people you know you’ll never run into again. When you know someone offline, there can be a greater sense of accountability, but even that doesn’t seem to always be the case anymore as expectations around communication are in decline.

当然，当你与陌生人或确定以后不会再见面的人交流时，“玩消失”要容易得多。当你在线下认识某人时，责任感可能会更强，但随着人们对沟通期望值的降低，这种情况似乎也不再总是成立了。

In the r/ghosting subreddit, stories of long-term relationships ending when one person decided to completely vanish have become alarmingly common, as Redditors have tried to understand the psychology behind such abrupt and seemingly cruel detachment.

在Reddit的r/ghosting板块中，关于长期关系因一方决定彻底消失而告终的故事变得令人担忧地普遍。Reddit用户们试图理解这种突然且看似残酷的疏离背后的心理。

“I dated a girl for a year and a half. Out of the blue she said something in a normal discussion, and instead of having a conversation with her [about what upset me], I completely ignored her, walked away, refused to speak to her when she asked, and blocked her until she found out from someone else that we were done,” one commenter from r/ghosting tells WIRED over direct message.

“我和一个女孩交往了一年半。在一次正常的讨论中，她突然说了一些话，我没有和她沟通（关于什么让我不快），而是完全无视她，走开了，在她追问时拒绝说话，并拉黑了她，直到她从别人那里得知我们已经结束了，”一位r/ghosting的评论者通过私信告诉《连线》。

Sumi, a 36-year-old resident of San Francisco, decided to abandon his 18-month relationship by ghosting his girlfriend. “I’ve been no-contact for about four weeks now,” he says.

36岁的旧金山居民Sumi决定通过“玩消失”来抛弃他18个月的恋情。“我已经断联大约四周了，”他说。

Among Gen Z, terminating communication, romantic or otherwise, without any closure has become more pronounced. A recent survey by analytics firm Talker Research found that Gen Z are more likely to sever contact with a family member or loved one—60 percent—compared to older generations.

在Z世代中，在没有任何交代的情况下终止沟通（无论是恋爱关系还是其他关系）变得更加明显。分析公司Talker Research最近的一项调查发现，与老一辈相比，Z世代更有可能切断与家人或爱人的联系（比例高达60%）。

They often aestheticize estrangement by turning heartbreak into social content, as with the viral trend “I ghosted the [love of my life], trust me [I don’t give a fuck],” where young people pretend to act completely unfazed about former lovers by feigning extreme detachment. Some TikTokkers even added their own twists to the trend, posting about ghosting friends, parents, or their “entire bloodline” as a means of setting better boundaries.

他们经常将疏离感“审美化”，把心碎变成社交内容。例如病毒式传播的趋势“我玩消失了（我的挚爱），相信我（我一点也不在乎）”，年轻人通过假装极度冷漠来表现出对前任完全不在乎。一些TikTok用户甚至为这一趋势增添了个人色彩，发布关于与朋友、父母甚至“整个血亲家族”断联的内容，以此作为设定更好界限的方式。

“It’s important to keep in mind that Gen Z has grown up with dating apps and social media, so ghosting can seem like a normal part of the dating experience, even if it’s hurtful,” says Liesel Sharabi, an associate professor of communication at Arizona State University who specializes in the effect technology has on interpersonal relationships.

“必须记住，Z世代是在约会软件和社交媒体中长大的，所以‘玩消失’看起来像是约会体验中正常的一部分，尽管这很伤人，”亚利桑那州立大学专门研究技术对人际关系影响的传播学副教授Liesel Sharabi说。

Sharabi adds that digital communication has made ghosting “easier and potentially more socially acceptable,” despite its harms. “We risk losing the humanity and decency we would want someone to show us when ending a relationship.”

Sharabi补充说，尽管数字通信有其危害，但它确实让“玩消失”变得“更容易，且在社会层面上可能更容易被接受”。“我们面临着失去人性和体面的风险，而这些正是我们希望别人在结束关系时能给予我们的。”

There are ghosters who are emotionally immature, don’t take relationships seriously, or simply don’t care about the impact they have on others. “But from an attachment perspective, I also see ghosting as a nervous system strategy,” says Becca Hansel, a Los Angeles–based therapist. Ghosters are often people with avoidant or disorganized attachment patterns, where “emotional closeness or conflict may start to feel threatening or overwhelming.”

有些“玩消失者”是情感不成熟、不认真对待关系，或者根本不在乎对他人的影响。“但从依恋理论的角度来看，我也将‘玩消失’视为一种神经系统策略，”洛杉矶的治疗师Becca Hansel说。玩消失者通常是具有回避型或混乱型依恋模式的人，对他们来说，“情感亲密或冲突可能会开始让他们感到威胁或难以承受。”

For them, severing a relationship requires tolerating the discomfort of sitting with another person’s sadness or anger. But Hansel adds that some people who ghost aren’t doing it because they enjoy hurting the other person, even if it is an unhealthy coping strategy.

对他们而言，切断一段关系需要忍受面对他人悲伤或愤怒时的不适感。但Hansel补充说，有些人玩消失并不是因为他们喜欢伤害对方，即使这是一种不健康的应对策略。

In some cases, ghosting is a means of escaping an abusive situation. “If someone doesn’t feel emotionally or physically safe, I don’t think they owe the other person [an explanation].”

在某些情况下，玩消失是逃离虐待关系的一种手段。“如果一个人在情感或身体上感到不安全，我不认为他们欠对方（一个解释）。”