We Must Return to the Office to Use AI in Person
We Must Return to the Office to Use AI in Person
我们必须回到办公室，才能面对面使用人工智能
September 4, 2026 Why We Must Return to the Office to Use AI in Person by Jonathan Zeller 2026年9月4日，作者：Jonathan Zeller —— 我们为何必须回到办公室，才能面对面使用人工智能
When I awoke on RTO Day (officially “Remain to Office,” since management maintained that I’d misremembered and we’d always been in office six days a week), I was not as excited as I should have been. I felt queasy at the thought of signing the Memorandum of Loving RTO as a condition of my continued employment. 当我在“重返办公室日”（官方称为“留守办公室”，因为管理层坚称我记错了，我们一直以来都是每周在办公室工作六天）醒来时，我并没有预想中那么兴奋。想到必须签署《热爱重返办公室备忘录》作为继续受雇的条件，我感到一阵恶心。
I was an Associate Slop Doula for Mondo Mayo, founded as a mayonnaise company, which now sells consumer packaged goods, software as a service, and surveillance technology, and is one of three large corporations remaining on Earth. At the time, I didn’t think a full, six-day-per-week, fourteen-hour-per-day, in-office schedule was necessary to discharge my duties clicking the GENERATE button, followed by the APPROVE button, thousands of times a day on SlurryHose. But experience has shown me that I was wrong. Here’s why RTO is essential. 我是 Mondo Mayo 公司的“垃圾内容助理助产士”。该公司最初是一家蛋黄酱生产商，如今业务涵盖消费包装品、软件即服务（SaaS）和监控技术，是地球上仅存的三大巨头企业之一。当时，我认为没必要为了在 SlurryHose 系统上每天点击数千次“生成”和“批准”按钮，而维持每周六天、每天十四小时的坐班制。但经验告诉我，我错了。以下是重返办公室至关重要的原因。
RTO is in accordance with Mondo Mayo’s Core Principles. Mondo Mayo is guided by our Core Principles: Good things are better than bad things. “Yes, Boss. Great idea, Boss.” More leaders mean more leadership. These principles allow for the high productivity and rich social life at Mondo Mayo, which revolves around our twice-annual mandatory-optional-encouraged-required retreat, The Getaway, culminating in the rarely fatal mayonnaise-eating contest. 重返办公室符合 Mondo Mayo 的核心原则。Mondo Mayo 的指导原则是：好的事情比坏的事情好；“是的，老板。好主意，老板”；领导越多，领导力越强。这些原则造就了 Mondo Mayo 的高生产力和丰富的社交生活，其核心是每年两次的“强制性-自愿性-鼓励性-必要性”静修活动——“逃离之旅”，活动的高潮是那场极少致命的蛋黄酱进食比赛。
The Executron Management System has led to a surplus of leadership at Mondo Mayo. I am one of fifteen rank-and-file workers, and we are privileged to be led by thousands of Senior VPs. No other company in history has had so many leaders. “执行者管理系统”导致 Mondo Mayo 的领导层严重过剩。我是十五名普通员工之一，我们有幸受到数千名高级副总裁的领导。历史上没有任何一家公司拥有如此多的领导者。
RTO adds up. Mondo Mayo’s proprietary metrics indicate that family life can be performed remotely with greater efficiency and manager satisfaction. The Mondo Machine, rented at an affordable rate, sits in your home when you cannot be there, feeding pellets to your child, and they bond. Our office is monitored by AI-powered Performance Enablement Software named Best Buddy, which assists and empowers me to be my best for Mondo Mayo. 重返办公室是有意义的。Mondo Mayo 的专有指标显示，家庭生活可以通过远程方式更高效地进行，且能让经理更满意。当你不在家时，以实惠价格租用的“Mondo 机器”会留在家里，给你的孩子喂食颗粒饲料，从而建立亲子纽带。我们的办公室由名为“最佳伙伴”的人工智能绩效赋能软件监控，它协助并激励我为 Mondo Mayo 贡献出最好的自己。
It’s the perfect time to RTO, because the O is almost finished. Mondo Mayo HQ has been under construction for twenty years, ever since Mondo Mayo acquired Shit Hell Dot AI (Mission: Make the World a Better Place) and began expansion to make room for its new employees. With no traffic, it’s only three hours from my apartment by bus. Jackhammering, large trucks labeled LOOSE ASBESTOS, and mayonnaise leaks are not interruptions to my work, but rather opportunities to hone my focus. The shaking conducting through my thin office chair that aggravates my lower-back pain is a chance to prove my mettle. 现在是重返办公室的最佳时机，因为“办公室”快建好了。Mondo Mayo 总部已经施工了二十年，自公司收购了 Shit Hell Dot AI（使命：让世界变得更美好）并开始扩建以容纳新员工以来，工程就没停过。在没有交通堵塞的情况下，坐公交车从我家到公司只需三个小时。电钻声、贴着“松散石棉”标签的大卡车以及蛋黄酱泄漏，这些都不是对我工作的干扰，而是磨练我专注力的机会。透过薄薄的办公椅传来的震动加剧了我的腰痛，但这正是证明我意志力的时刻。
RTO is the best way to surpass SodaPorn. I must help Mondo Mayo hit its sales targets by doula-ing effective Sales Slop generated with SlurryHose, which scrapes the web for consumers’ queries and seeks to answer them more closely than the Sales Slop from the globe’s other two remaining companies, Cagefight Pharma and SodaPorn. SodaPorn is our rival. We are in a tense strategic alliance with Cagefight Pharma. 重返办公室是超越 SodaPorn 的最佳途径。我必须通过 SlurryHose 生成有效的“销售垃圾内容”来帮助 Mondo Mayo 实现销售目标。该系统会抓取网络上的消费者查询，并试图比全球仅存的另外两家公司——Cagefight Pharma 和 SodaPorn——提供更贴切的回答。SodaPorn 是我们的竞争对手，而我们与 Cagefight Pharma 处于一种紧张的战略联盟关系中。
RTO allowed me to have a sex affair with my coworker. Last week, while Slop Doula-ing in our open-plan seating, I noticed Blair, whose eyes I’d previously met over the trough during the mayonnaise-eating contest at the most recent edition of The Getaway. At The Getaway, I thought I was merely caught up in the supportive pressure and wonderful isolation. But as Blair returned my stare this time, I was sure it was real, and that she felt the same. We stole away to the abandoned Mother’s Room above the HR office and discussed our secret hatred for RTO. We began a heated affair. A contractor hit a pipe above us, so rancid mayo splattered onto our bodies as we embraced, but we were too absorbed in our passion to mind. Try doing that from home. 重返办公室让我与同事发生了婚外情。上周，当我在开放式办公区进行“垃圾内容助产”时，我注意到了 Blair。在最近一次“逃离之旅”的蛋黄酱进食比赛中，我们曾在食槽上方有过眼神交流。当时我以为自己只是被那种相互支持的压力和美妙的孤立感所裹挟。但这一次，当 Blair 回应我的注视时，我确信这是真实的，而且她也有同样的感觉。我们溜进了人力资源办公室上方废弃的“母亲室”，讨论我们对重返办公室的秘密憎恨。我们开始了一段热烈的恋情。一名承包商撞破了我们头顶的管道，腐臭的蛋黄酱溅落在我们拥抱的身体上，但我们沉浸在激情中，根本不在意。试问在家办公能做到这一点吗？
RTO is the best way to surpass Cagefight Pharma. The next day, during an all-staff meeting, we learned that our main rival was Cagefight Pharma. We are now in a strategic Mondo Mayo x SodaPorn partnership. By now, Blair and I had let our guard down. On Chatform, our internal company chat platform, we mocked what we mistakenly saw as a change in the company’s strategy (in fact, we’d always been in a strategic Mondo Mayo x SodaPorn partnership aimed at taking down Cagefight Pharma). Within minutes, we were separately called into HR. 重返办公室是超越 Cagefight Pharma 的最佳方式。第二天，在全员大会上，我们得知主要竞争对手是 Cagefight Pharma。我们现在处于 Mondo Mayo 与 SodaPorn 的战略合作伙伴关系中。此时，我和 Blair 放松了警惕。在公司内部聊天平台 Chatform 上，我们嘲笑了我们误以为是公司战略调整的内容（事实上，我们一直处于旨在击垮 Cagefight Pharma 的 Mondo Mayo 与 SodaPorn 战略联盟中）。几分钟内，我们分别被叫进了人力资源部。
RTO helps me be my best. Blair and I were put on Help-You-Be-Your-Best Plans (Mondo Mayo’s version of what was once known as a performance-improvement plan). Per policy, one of us would be compassionately released and prevented by our non-compete from drawing a salary from any other company ever again. An SVP of HR patiently, lovingly reprimanded me for my poor attitude. Why had I forgotten the Core Principles? Good things are better than bad things, and being at work (good) is better than being at home (bad). “Yes, Boss. Great idea, Boss.” And yet I wasn’t saying that. More leaders mean more leadership, but they can’t lead me if I refuse to be led. And the HR SVP had to deliver all of this while the office vibrated from construction and, at various points, mayo squirted at us out of air vents. 重返办公室有助于我展现最好的自己。Blair 和我被列入了“助你成为最好的自己计划”（这是 Mondo Mayo 对曾经所谓的“绩效改进计划”的称呼）。根据政策，我们其中一人将被“仁慈地解雇”，并受竞业禁止协议限制，永远无法从其他任何公司领取薪水。一位人力资源高级副总裁耐心地、充满爱意地训斥了我的消极态度。我为什么忘记了核心原则？好的事情比坏的事情好，在公司工作（好）比在家（坏）要好。“是的，老板。好主意，老板。”然而我并没有这么说。领导越多，领导力越强，但如果我拒绝被领导，他们就无法领导我。人力资源高级副总裁在传达这一切时，办公室正因施工而震动，蛋黄酱还不时从通风口喷射到我们身上。
As part of the Fun and Love Rehabilitation, a team of buff, wise SVPs affectionately pumped Mondo Mayo into my mouth via Mayo Cannon, so that the company’s nourishing origins could be made a part of me. An SVP of Finance, Philosophy, and Screaming came by and explained loudly that Mondo Mayo’s corporate strategy had appeared irrational to me before because its goal was never profit—it was always power. We will only reach our apex once the entire world adheres to Mondo Mayo’s Core Principles. That resonated with me. When I said how much I loved RTO, Mondo Mayo gave me my medicine. (Thank you for my medicine!) The SVP of FPS reminded me that, if I lost my job at Mondo Mayo, I would lose my generous health insurance at a time when I needed relief from my back pain. This was true, so I begged them to compassionately re 作为“乐趣与爱康复计划”的一部分，一群强壮而睿智的高级副总裁通过“蛋黄酱大炮”亲切地将 Mondo Mayo 灌入我的口中，这样公司的滋养起源就能成为我的一部分。一位负责财务、哲学与尖叫的高级副总裁走过来，大声解释说，Mondo Mayo 的企业战略之所以在我看来不合理，是因为其目标从来不是利润，而是权力。只有当全世界都遵循 Mondo Mayo 的核心原则时，我们才能达到巅峰。这引起了我的共鸣。当我表达出我有多么热爱重返办公室时，Mondo Mayo 给了我药物。（感谢我的药物！）那位负责财务、哲学与尖叫的高级副总裁提醒我，如果我失去了在 Mondo Mayo 的工作，我将失去慷慨的医疗保险，而此时我正需要缓解腰痛。这是事实，所以我恳求他们仁慈地重新……